Swimming for me is as close to a religious experience as I have ever had. Just recently, after swimming regularly for over twelve years it hit me. Swimming allows me to be in the moment. I’ve read about monks spending their entire lives trying to live in the moment, to meditate in the hopes one will be able to think of absolutely nothing, even if that moment is fleeting. No future, no past just the now. For me swimming allows me to come as close to that as I can ever recall. I’ve never swam with headphones, or music playing on deck. It’s just me and the water. The feel as it flows along my body is nothing short of therapeutic. The timing of the breath, the sound and impact of the bubbles as I exhale is hyper meditative. It's like a rhythmical chant in nearly complete silence. Perhaps that is one of the reasons long distance swimming suits me well.

Portland is still a city shook by the social unrest of spring 2020, and rightfully so. Covid of course has had and retains a very large specter of a presence as well, but not just in the most obvious manner. Residing in a state with arguably the most restrictive of related protocols has had a massive impact on our daily lives, but none more so than for those who remain without any of the currently available covid vaccines.

Let me state plainly, I am not anti-vax. Furthermore, it is not my intent to debate such via social media or this website, but rather I post this out of the need to convey the impact my environment has had on me, both personally and artistically. As my peer group continues to dwindle, those that I can safely confide does so as well. I am a covid survivor and retain strong natural immunity. I know, I have proof.

Prior to spring 2020 I had many different musical projects in the works. Some were solo in nature, but others were collaborative which arguably I find the most rewarding. Having had plans to travel to Texas, New York and beyond that all came crashing to a grinding halt with the subsequent virus-related lock downs that ensued. Here in Portland, there were nearly nightly protests of varying degrees for over a year. Let that sink in, for over 15 months people gathered to make their voices heard. These were not however all peaceful protests mind you; many were violent in nature resulting in great loss and damage bringing about a massive change in the landscape and appearance of the city. In an attempt to appease the “protesters” and quell the violence, the city’s leaders began defunding, and disbanding the police and other social services which has only led to greater more emboldened activity. Gun violence and murders are at an all-time high. In 2019 there were 388 shootings documented, in 2021 already we have exceeded 1,000. There is a visible health crisis on our streets, with open rampant hard drug abuse and mental illness going untreated. Verbal and physical altercations in plain sight are now looked upon as the norm. In short, a city’s own citizenry now stands in fear of walking its streets and there are no words to truly describe the rapid pace at which this once beautiful and quirky city has fallen. Needless to say, creativity and inspiration crumbled at best. At worst they seemed a thing of the past. For me I didn’t know if they would ever return. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I’m doing my damndest to prove that true.

When the word of the virus first arrived, it is understandable that the alarm was sounded. The madness and mayhem that followed however seemed unwarranted. Aside from a rival sporting event or gang fight it was my first real exposure to widespread panic, and the power of mob rule. Fear of the unknown began to take hold.

From early on, however, I was skeptical how it was being portrayed. Surely our trusted news outlets weren't exaggerating or falsifying information. I found myself in a very strange way, with known facts both old and new being twisted. I wanted the virus, and was willing to put my life on the line to get it. The subsequent restrictions that ensued only bolstered my stance. What’s more was playing witness to the impact that was being realized by our youth. Very basic tangible metrics were the only measures taken into account to dictate policy, it was the unseen variables that held the greatest concern for me, and I couldn’t understand why others weren't asking the same so I started researching for myself. Mental and social damages are very difficult to gauge, outside of numbers surrounding depression and suicide (all of which have seen a great increase), but there was no mention of these when any restriction was handed down or extended. A society already on edge suddenly was thrust into isolation with the only outlets becoming television and the internet. Undoubtedly a recipe for disaster.

With the divide between people growing with each passing day, there seemed to be two sciences emerging. I liken it to religion in many ways, not the least of which it appeared people began seeking out information that supported their choices, or their own narratives. Then came the vaccines.

I will say that I first began to look for a reason to get vaccinated. With my own personal health concerns weighing heavily, my search led me down many paths but ultimately my knowledge of the immune system was confirmed. Thus after receiving proof of natural immunity I chose simply to wait. I did not take the stance of the conspiracy theorist, but simply for reasons that shall remain private I did not wish to rush an injection I deemed unnecessary let alone one that was experimental into my body.

I began to dig deeper, learning more about the virus and each individual vaccine. Mistrust of mainstream and of course social media not to mention government agencies led me to lean on personal experiences and relationships more and more. I began speaking to people I knew, highly educated people in the medical and pharmaceutical fields. Not wanting to just reside in my own echo chamber, I spoke with others both in and outside of my bubble that were vaccinated, or had contracted the virus listening to their experiences. I encountered those that had adverse effects to the vaccines and worse, the actual loss of life. I learned that results that severe were rare, but the risks were real so in my search for honest truths, I determined the decision I had made was the right choice for myself.

With the early FDA approval of one vaccine, government mandates quickly followed. In parts of the nation, including my own the unvaccinated were publicly being vilified and demonized to the point of ostracization. Our own president has labeled them as dangerous, diseased and dirty. Those on the front line just a year ago lauded as heroes, are now being forced out of those same life saving jobs. Family and friends were and remain at odds. There are those that have seemingly replaced known proven science with the rhetoric and propaganda being peddled as fact. I personally have very close, fully vaccinated longtime friends that are no longer comfortable being in my presence. In Portland, concert venues began limiting access to only the vaccinated. Many restaurants and bars formed a coalition to keep the unvaccinated at bay. Some divided up sections for the vaxed and unvaxed, literally segregating people. There was only one way out. No one wanted to hear about natural immunity. No one cared to listen about proven antibody therapy being developed. Apparently, we have hit the point in human evolution, where a single medication is the only solution. Take the shot, and you will get your life back. With fatigue both physical and mental setting in, I completely understand why and harbor no ill will towards those that choose the jab as what’s best for them. But that feeling I can assure you is not mutual.

Shortly after the government mandates dropped, companies and other organizations began doing the same, one of which happens to be the swim club with whom I have held membership since 2009. One day I received notice from them that proof of vaccination was required to continue participating in club activities. I was quick to inquire if proof of antibodies was an acceptable alternative, but their response was no, citing unreliable testing as their reason for refusal. How did they know what test I was taking? It didn’t matter. Take the shot, and you will get your life back. It was this banishment that was the tipping point for me. The irony of the matter is that without the club I would not have been able to even think of swimming in such a way! It sent me even further down the rabbit hole of discovery, but that also brings me back to the main reason for this post. All my musical projects had stopped. I struggled to find inspiration, as well as the desire to create. Then out of necessity, I began swimming alone. I refused to allow the fearful to rule my life and govern my health.

I love being in the open water. It brings such a feeling of perspective, as floating in a large body of water one cannot help but feel small and insignificant. Many of the scenes in the video do a great job of conveying the expanse of nature and just what a miniscule part of it we really are. After watching all the footage, I thought it would be a cool project to string them together and share with others. The next obvious step was to put the video to music, and the song Waves happens to be one of my originals that I chose for the soundtrack. It can be heard on its own here https://bit.ly/3BdKUwm

Social and political challenges aside, Oregon is one of the most amazing places for those that love the out of doors. Here all within a couple hours’ drive of my home are many open bodies of water where one can swim. It was in one of these lakes that the footage from this video was taken. Filming took place over multiple days, which can be easily seen. My long-time friend @darylalexjohnson is the drone pilot, and for the drone nerds out there he uses the Skydio 2. All footage is manually piloted, there is no beacon or auto pilot anywhere which is impressive if you’ve ever tried to fly a drone let alone film at the same time! Along with the stunning shots of the lake and surrounding area, horrible technique aside I think the one thing of which I’m most proud is capturing my bi-lateral breathing on film. One of my former coaches used to always harp on me about that and I don’t think he ever really got to see me swimming that way. How you like me now coach!

Under what used to be considered normal circumstances, my inclination to share this video footage would be to demonstrate how one human can be in tune with the place and time that he or she occupies on this earth, but I will readily admit in our current reality this post is for all intents and purposes an opportunity for me to vent. Someone very close to me recently stated that those that are vaccinated simply don’t care about the challenges facing those that are not. They just want to be done with it all. That hit me like a freight train, as I have friends that are tired of hearing from me on the subject, plainly stating to just believe what I want and move on.

Just take the shot, and you will get your life back.

So, it is with all of that I've come to the following conclusions in hopes of sparking creativity once again: Unvaccinated people do not pose any risk to others — at least not anymore risk than vaccinated people. Unvaccinated people are not unclean. Unvaccinated people are not threatening. Unvaccinated people are not the virus. The people who pose some risk to others are people infected with the virus — whether they are unvaccinated or vaccinated, thus their vaccination status doesn’t matter. After nearly a two-year struggle, I’ve come to the realization that most people are likely not bothered by the fact I’m not wearing a mask or that I may not be vaccinated. They’re bothered by the disobedience I openly display. They’re troubled that my strength is outshining their weakness. To be perceived on the side of the righteous is empowering, to know that one’s choices are in the right. Conversely, no one wants to be wrong, so that presents us with arguably the biggest challenge of our lifetime. How do we move forward with those with whom we vehemently disagree, especially if they no longer wish to listen? I don’t know the answer to that, but there are things that I do know:

I am not a danger, although I readily admit that is debatable. I may be diseased, but not with covid. I certainly am not dirty, ask any of my former housemates. I am not a villain nor am I a demon so maybe, this is just a small part of my effort, to just move on.